The Morning Stare: Contemplating Life and Disapointing Others

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The view from my mug

I got to sleep in a little bit this morning. Which means I was up around 8am instead of the usual 6am.  I milled around the house for awhile before I decided that I wanted a cup of Earl Grey Tea.

I’m actually not much of a tea drinker. Apart from sun tea in the summer time, I really don’t drink it that much. I think I started drinking this particular kind when I decided that I drank too much coffee.

It’s the healthier alternative when all you really want in the first place is a mug full of something warm in your hand.  Coffee can be fattening while tea is usually good for you. Earl Grey has a lot of health benefits. Click HERE to learn more about that.

This lesson has been brought to you by the woman who makes baked fudge and eats it at midnight. I bragged wrote about that here at If You Eat Your Feelings, Make Em’ Delicious: Baked Fudge.

I sat at the kitchen table for a long time. Just thinking. After thirty minutes slipped by, I think I just changed positions in my chair and kept on thinking. I get into these moods sometimes.

Lately, I have been really questioning what’s going on around me. Today, I wanted to shove everything away from me like an empty plate. I want out. I don’t want to do this stuff anymore.

I don’t remember the last time I ever did something because I actually, whole heartedly wanted to.  The more I examine my station in life, the more I see that I really allowed myself to fall under the instruction of other people.

Even right now, I don’t know that I want to continue in my career. I really don’t know that I want to go back to what I did before. I really don’t know that the decision to go back was really mine to begin with. It keeps coming up.

I am tired of being in a place that is thankless. Nobody ever has anything nice to say, I get yelled at all the time, and I really don’t feel like I am doing anything good to make a difference.  Then there’s the public.

I know that all of this comes from being ill.  I had a lot of time to think about things. I had a lot of time to over think and analyze situations and people. I came to ugly conclusions. I see a lot of things as they are and not how I want to see them. It isn’t great.

So here I sit, zoning out and writing speeches in my head to give to people who probably don’t give a shit about me anyway and to those that do, they will likely be disappointed in all of my decisions.

Have you ever found yourself under achieving because it caused less drama than if you were excellent at what you were doing? I have. I play dumb or don’t answer sometimes. It’s just easier.

I’m not even really sure anymore that I care about or even like or love the people that I am in fear of disappointing. It’s sad when I think about how the majority of people who were supposed to matter, don’t.

It almost makes me wish I had gotten sick ten years ago. I could have really used this attitude ten years ago. Make it eleven. I would have set boundaries, goals and had vision. Right now, I am ready to make a big change. Job, scenery. I want to move and I really am ready to take the leap. I just have to figure it all out.

I’m not even unhappy as a person. I am simply unhappy with what I am looking at around me. I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with wanting to make changes when you discover that where you’ve been isn’t where you want to be.

Anyway, my tea got cold. I don’t really like tea all that much. I stuck it in the microwave and forgot about it. Still mostly full. I think my favorite part about having tea is the mugs I drink it from.

 

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7 thoughts on “The Morning Stare: Contemplating Life and Disapointing Others

  1. heroesnpirates says:

    Thanks for sharing. I believe people don’t do enough reflection and introspection. You are an exception, apparently. 🙂 Speaking for myself, doldrum moods as you describe above are often the result of a particular brain chemistry profile that passes with a bit of time. Sometimes thought, the introspection reveals something needs to be addressed. Either way, it gets better. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. jennlives says:

    I agree with you. It isn’t just that we don’t do these things often enough, we don’t give ourselves a chance anymore to hardly put a thought together. We’ve gotten in such a hurry as a society. We are also dumber thanks to convenience. These are two separate issues we can set aside for a later date. Ha! Are you referring to depression? I think I am simply surrounded by difficult people and situations. At least that’s what I tell myself. Ups and downs of life. I do think a lot.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. tdenkler0002 says:

    This post really resonates with me! From the attempted tea drinking (my orange herbal tea is sitting on my stand getting cold as we speak) to the feeling stuck. I don’t feel stuck anymore, but I have felt like that. I don’t recommend what I did…I joined the military as an out — ha! It paid off in the end, but I remember feeling….helpless. Not being able to really talk to anyone about it, close friends included. I felt like opening up to them about the situation actually made it real and I was terrified of that. Getting away from things to be on my own for a bit made me realize how independent I was and how I could make these changes all on my own!

    It’s never to old to make a leap & change. You got over your sickness for a reason — to keep being amazing at life!

    Liked by 1 person

    • jennlives says:

      You know, Earl Grey has a hint of bergamot which is kind of orange like. Isn’t it? You should really try it. It even smells good while it’s getting cold. Ha! Funny you mention the military. That’s my biggest regret in life is that I didn’t join. I think that I would have excelled. I like structure and I’ve spent my entire adult life working in a para-military organization (law enforcement in one form or another) . I’ve contemplated leaving and it’s a decision that I am currently struggling with.
      I agree also that time alone is necessary to figure things out. Part of my problem is that I spend a lot of time alone and I’ve gotten to the point where I think I have things figured out, I just need to form a plan and break the news to others.

      I’m glad you’re here and are following along 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. ReadBetweentheLyme says:

    I can relate. To the being stuck and the reflection time. Today, I was just angry mostly about my health and that I’m still sick. Normally, I hardly ever go to anger but today, yes. It did pass but it actually it felt like a good cry does. A release of sorts. I hope the time you spent thinking was well spent. And you are right; none of do enough thinking.

    Liked by 1 person

    • jennlives says:

      I get angry too.. Time goes so slow and there’s nothing you can do about it.. I’m not 100% and it’s going to be a long time until I am, if ever.. Does anyone know that you’re sick? I only told a couple of people. I didn’t tell anyone that I worked with.. They had no idea that anything was wrong. Part of me wonders if that was the right way to handle it because it may have made the harder times easier.. I find myself getting burned out sometimes.. I just need change and I don’t want to go through a transition.. That’s just… Horrible?

      Liked by 1 person

      • ReadBetweentheLyme says:

        At first, when I was diagnosed 3 years ago, I only told a couple people at work. At the time, I was in a leadership position, and I just thought it wasn’t the right thing to do? Overall, I’m pretty private, and I felt like sharing I was sick made me too vulnerable in so many ways. But, ad the years have gone on, I’ve had to be more open about myself and this illness and while it has been difficult and against the characteristics I have, it has proven to be one of the best things I’ve done. Also, it has helped me grow I think as a person. I did step down for health reasons -my own decision- so now, pretty much everyone in my department and in admin knows. It was/ is a really difficult decision. Honestly, it took me a solid year to decide to make the change and embrace what is happening in my life right now. In my case, it has made everything much better. Change and transition is hard for most I think but especially if we aren’t 100%. Trust in yourself. You’ll make the change when you are ready.

        Liked by 1 person

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